pools of acid

 I tell myself, when I have nothing to write or can’t describe what I’m feeling – that’s exactly when I should write. On one hand I don’t even know where to start, but also is there anything to say? Lately, progress has felt like doing the opposite of everything that has felt ‘right’ in the past. I think I’m coming to terms with the fact everything I thought was ‘right’, was wrong and I just didn’t know. And I’m resistant because if that’s true, then I was clueless. It’s like being waist deep in acid, thinking its water – only to discover you chose the wrong pool. And your pride says, ‘I would never choose the wrong pool – I know what I’m doing’ and you stay in the pool of acid, saying water always burns like this. It’s like accepting conditional love from someone and telling yourself, yeah, it always feels like this. Like I want to turn my skin inside out, like I want to completely disappear. It’s meant to be like this. You don’t entertain the idea that maybe, you’re human and it’s first time being alive and sometimes you’re going to mistake acid for water. Sometimes you’re going to mistake emotional unavailability for stability.

 

We need to stop assuming we know better – because we really don’t. But acknowledging you don’t know everything is the first step to changing things. It’s been hard, completely unravelling the things I thought were pillars of my life. Knocking it all down and starting again. I miss who I was six months ago sometimes; she was having a horrible time, but she still believed she was doing the right thing. I never know if I’m doing the right thing, and I usually tell myself, if it feels wrong that’s how I know it’s right. But how do you trust yourself again?

 

One thing though, I will say, has helped me is finding myself in other things. In my friends, in my family, in my favourite shows and games. Its like I left a trace of something, anything, and now that I’ve lost it all – its like someone returning a jacket or a book you thought you’d lost. Something you hadn’t thought about in years, but the memory is as fresh as if it just happened. You don’t know even know what you’ve forgotten. I am trying to make peace with all of this, but it’s so, complicated. I want to backslide because I am scared of making the same mistakes again – how ridiculous does that sound? I’m scared of finding myself here again, so, what if I just never leave? It’s the same logic as staying in the pool of acid, and maybe change starts with acknowledging that fundamentally, none of this should hurt. Love shouldn’t hurt, your day-to-day life shouldn’t hurt. Hurt is an aspect but water is soothing and calm and soft and if it burns then you’ve found the wrong pool.